apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
