another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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