i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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