He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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