I wish I only lived at night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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