Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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