he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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