I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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