Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
