The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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