I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
