You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's shark week go big or go home
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
