I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
