I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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