Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone shit on the floor
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
