but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
