Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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