I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
