My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
why do cheetos always look like penises
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
