he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
