Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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