Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
