I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
