I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
