I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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