fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
