I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
