return my video game
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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