I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We were destined to go to rehab together
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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