So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
