She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
