i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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