the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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