We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
