I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
