cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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