i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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