Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
