WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
