I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
