I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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