I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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