Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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