This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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