I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
