If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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