Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
