I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
