either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
