I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
