well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
