i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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